Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Im Back

     Its been some quit time since I posted here on my blog, A lot has been going on in my life that makes it hard for me to a have the strength and time to write a blog post. My life took a turn after my surgery that lead me in a journey that I am still trying to figure out how to deal with. Ive created the post telling you guys whats been going on but I do not have the strength to post it. Not only it is going to be put out their but the one thing that holds me back on making that blog post public is  realizing that it is a big part of my life now. Not only I have been struggling with that issue, which I am going to share when I have the strength to do so but I am also struggling with my medical issues, Depression, Anxiety , and Pseudotumor Cerebri. Its been really hard trying to get help, When times get rough I tend to turn around the help and try to help myself which day by day I am clearly finding  that I am no help to myself. To to honest with you guys, It feels really good to express the way I am feeling right now in this post. I would love to write more frequently and always feel free to leave comments, leave your stories in the comments below. I want my blog to not only help people by sharing my story but I want my blog to be a place where you can share your stories and find some hope. Because I am here to help you and you are here to help me. 


                                                  

                                                     Like always, with lots of love,

                                                                      L.

Monday, October 5, 2015

"Perfect"

"My Hips Are Too Wide, My Thighs Are To Thick, My Stomach Isn't Flat". Are Many Thoughts That Cross My Mind Daily. 

 For Me, I Dropped Weight Very Fast, As So Did My Body.. My Body Started Changing, My Jeans Didn't Fit, So I Would Go A Size Down, Then In A Week Those Jeans Wouldn't Fit, So I Kept Going Down. As My Body Started To Change, People Started Noticing And Making Comments 

" Wow, Lisa You Look Amazing", "You Look Skinny", "You Look Beautiful".  As Those Comments Kept Coming, I Took Them One By One And Each Comment Was Kept In My Head. When I Had Time To Process, I Would Think, "Then What Was I Before", Fat, Ugly, Not Beautiful... And This Is Where Things Became Harder For Me.
 I Was Overweight For Most Of My Childhood And I Knew I Was Overweight But When I Got Dressed, Did My Makeup, My Hair, And Would Look In The Mirror I Would Never Hate My Body, I Was Unhappy But Never Called Myself Ugly. But Now, I Am So Judgmental About My Body, Which Makes Me Angry. 
My Weight Is In A Good Place Right Now, I Feel At Peace With It, But Every time, I Would Get Those Comments, It Would Get To Me And Eventually It Got To Me Really Bad. I Started Being Very Judgmental About My Body, Hating The Way I Looked. When I Looked In The Mirror I Felt So Heavy, So Big. I Wouldn't See The New Me. I Just Felt Ugly. Apart From That, I Developed Different Habits, Which I Am Not Ready To Share, One Thing I Can Tell You Though, Is That I Did Go Into A Treatment Center, Which Made It Harder Rather Than Helping, I was later diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which I never knew existed.

The Reason Why I Want To Share This With You Guys Is, For Any Out There Dealing With Depression, Body Image Issues, ect. To Know That There Isn't A Perfect Life, A Perfect Body, A Perfect Look. Do Not Create This Perfect Image In Your Head And Try To Be It. You Have To Love Yourself, Inside and Out. Though, It Is Hard Because I Live With These Thoughts Everyday, But With Some Help, Hope, The Thought Of Making Yourself Be"Perfect" Slowly Start Fading Away. Love Yourself And Always Strive For A Positive Mind. 


                                                                       L.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

With A little Bit Of Hope... It Can Get Better

Some days are better than others, Some days I wake up wanting to live my life as normal as I can,Some days I can't even get out of bed.. and thats okay. Living with depression is like playing a guessing game, you just don't know how you will feel or how your day will go but sometimes you just have to take one step back and take a moment and breath in that fresh air and just be thankful to be living. I sometimes forget, I forget most of the time to be thankful, to take a breath of fresh air and just take it all in. My life has been a lot for me to handle but Im still here and with a lot of thought, You want to know how I try to manage a "so what" normal life... Having a little bit of H.O.P.E , that four letter word brings chills to my body because it means so much to me. Hope to me means that, one day I will be able to take a deep breath in and while I breath out I feel nothing but happiness, no pain,no sadness, no anger,no fear. So with a little bit of hope, it can get better. 




                                            

                                                                L.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Hard Times

     I have to be 100% honest with you guys. Going through this new journey and working with doctors on my treatment plan, Learning ways to cope with Depression and Anxiety is really leaving me on pins and needles. This week will be my 3rd week working with a phycologist and I am already dreading my next appointment. When I go to the appointments I talk, and I try to be honest with the doctors but most importantly myself. But then my session is over and I walk out of that office feeling like crap, my whole week turns into spending a lot of time at home, in bed, not really doing much. Some people who don't understand what depression really is will say "just get ready and go out". But the thing is, I do try sometimes but you just don't have the mentality to do it. My levels of depression haven't been this high ever since I first got depression. I feel like instead of taking 2 steps forward, I'm taking 10 steps back. 
     Going back and talking about my past and all my medical issues is very hard for me and I feel like expressing my true emotions and reflecting back on self harming is very traumatic for me. It plays a huge role in my life and everytime I look down my arms, I have a daily reminder of my past. 
     When I have time to reflect and really understand where my life stands right now, I think of fear, fear of never being able to say "Im Okay". Within these past few weeks, I have learned that Depression and Anxiety play a huge role in my life, my levels are really high. Now, I have to be ready to let go of my past and close the chapters that need to be close and be at peace with all my medical issues. I know that one day I will wake up and be grateful to be living my life, despite all my troubles and medical issues and be happy. I just have to take it day by day.   
     One thing I can tell anyone out there who suffers with depression and anxiety is I know it's tough, I know it's hard sometimes to get out of bed. But with a little bit of hope and a little bit of strength you can make your day a little bit better. I know getting help can be hard, but you know when it's time to get help and actually accept all your struggles.
Always feel free to share your journeys on my blog because I am here to help anyone out there and I know you guys are here to help me.


                                                                Lots Of Love,
                                                                         L. 

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Treatment Plan

     Yesterday, I attended my second session with a psychologist. I am going to be 100% honest and say that I want to stop going, I want to shut down and move on. I hate talking about my past and the issues I am dealing with now. The depressed Lisa tells me to stop going and to move on. The Lisa that is sick and tired of being depressed is saying You have to go back and be 100% honest with yourself.

     I know, that if I stop going, I am going to be dealing with a serious problem of living my life and battling depression,anxiety, PTC, and much more. The way I feel right now and during my treatment sessions is very anxious and just want to storm out of the office. But, when I have the time to sit and reflect on my issues, I come to conclusion that my depression and my anxiety are so present, it is taking over my life. As dramatic as that sounds, that is my reality.

     My treatment plan was placed to control and lower my depression along with my anxiety, also meditation. In my plan there is one major thing that is  placed but I will share once I am ready. 
     This treatment plan is going to take a long time to achieve but if I stick to it and give it my all, It will get better, You have to start with baby steps, I asked for help, and I actually attended my first and second session. 



          Lots Of Love,
         L.